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The dreaded way-too-serious “I” word: Intimacy.

The word “intimacy” makes relationships scary. It just has a weight to it that makes things somehow too real. Now plug “issues” next to it, and you’ve got one frightening equation.

Intimacy is any form of closeness. People use it in exchange for behaviors with sexual motives, but I wouldn’t limit it to just sex acts. When someone has a fear of intimacy, it means they’re afraid of being either emotionally or physically close to someone else, sometimes both.

What do we think can cause a feeling like this? Often we look at past relationships, whether romantic, nurturing, or platonic; and examine how others have treated us before to make sense of our relationships with others now. Regardless of what we believe to cause this problem, issues in bonding with others manifests itself in different ways, and its tendency is subconscious.

Often, it’s when things are going well that intimacy issues decide to rear their ugly head. You’re talking to someone new, and you’re excited. “This person is being so sweet to me!” You think. “A little too sweet…”

Once this thought takes root, you begin to rifle through the bad-scenarios-drawer in your head of all the possible ways that this seemingly good thing can go wrong.

Contrary to what we said earlier, these feelings happen not because of outside forces, but ultimately because of our negative attitude towards ourselves. We do not think we can be loved because we do not look at ourselves and see love, and we refuse to believe that someone can admire us because we have no admiration for ourselves. “They think I’m smart, but I don’t think I’m smart, so they must be lying.” We begin to self-sabotage; we pick, and we prod, and we light ourselves on fire because that’s the only debris we can find to burn.

This thought process can often lead to withholding affection, reacting indifferently or resentfully to positive acknowledgement or affection, becoming paranoid or suspicious of a partner, losing interest in sexuality, being overly critical of a partner, or feeling resistant to being vulnerable.

I think this is an important definition in the dating dictionary because some people don’t even realize they have these intimacy issues. If you don’t let yourself be loved, you’re more likely to think that you don’t deserve to be; and it’s a cruel cycle that benefits no one.

The only way to conquer a fear of intimacy is fighting against what your fear makes you want to do. Consider immersion therapies; they’re designed to put you in direct contact with your phobias so they no longer have power over you. That tactic doesn’t work in every situation, but as for problems with intimacy, you must challenge the negative outlook you have of yourself and stop pushing people away. It’s been said that Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. If you expect to get over your issues with intimacy by continuing to treat everyone who walks into your life like a doormat and beating yourself up over it, you might want to observe how you can alter this behavior.

Understanding that you’re doing something wrong is not enough to help you, in any situation. To improve, criticism is important, but the change based on what you learned from your past mistakes is what matters.

Obviously, with anything and especially with wellness, take this journey one day at a time. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it was built. Undoing all the pain of your own inner criticisms and rebuilding a better version of yourself isn’t going to be an overnight process, but it’s something you can to work at everyday, and it doesn’t matter how little or how much. Remember, it does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop.

What are you thinking? Do you feel like you have intimacy issues after reading this article? Do you know someone who definitely has them? How do you deal?

Let me know in the comments below, and be sure to share with friends! Remember to follow Sonic Eclectic on Facebook and YouTube for updates, and don’t forget to subscribe to The Femme Spot on Twitter and our Facebook page.

You can catch me and The Ladies of Femme every Sunday morning at 11 by clicking on our LIVE tab, and in the five boroughs weekly, Wednesdays at 9:30 am & 5 pm on these channels TWC 34 | OPT 67 | RCN 42 | Fios 82 via Brooklyn Speech all of July starting this week!

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Sometimes people hurt you in so many little ways that you don’t remember what it felt like to be unbothered. It can be a lack of validation or attention, a lessening in personal consideration for the other person, disrespect, not being the same person you were when you met them, them not being the person you thought you needed, the list goes on. All these things are forms of heartbreak. When you’ve finally found yourself at your wit’s end, you call it quits.

What do you do with your time now?

Some people mourn very grimly and very publicly, shedding tears and their reservations about showing emotion in front of others. Other people seem to move on immediately. They take action now and ask the emotional questions later. We all grieve differently.

It sounds dramatic but honestly I feel that it is. Losing someone who knows a ton about you, who voluntarily pledged to always take care of you, that’s some serious stuff. The one thing you knew for sure about became the question at the forefront of your every day existential crisis, that’s heartbreak, and it shouldn’t be taken lightly.

Is it always going to be that way? Absolutely not; but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck if and when it happens to you.

Maybe I’m just speaking from experience, but it hurts because you carry it around. What’s worse is you can’t really explain it to anyone; at most people can sympathize, but they don’t really know for sure because everyone feels things differently.

The only way to improve is to start picking up things that you enjoy, things you always wanted to do that your past-partner might not have let you do, or something crazy and outside of your comfort zone that you were secretly always wanting to try. My personal favorite is the break-up piercing: piercings require care and attention, much like a relationship, and they make you look super edgy.

You might hurt from time to time, but there’s a reason for those feelings and you need to explore them. Running away from your emotions is a sure-fire way on how to find yourself at a dead-end with them, sometimes in the least-healthy way. Also, in this exploration, you realize all the things you weren’t so happy with during your relationship, and how you’ll use those instances to better yourself and what you’ll never put up with again. You realize that not only were there bad times, and you’re glad to have survived them, but there were also good times, and you should be glad you got to experience them. Memories don’t lose value just because you’re now estranged from those who are in them.

When thinking wellness and relationships, the only thing that really comes to mind is that they’re learning experiences. I know people learn so much while they’re in relationships, but don’t forget how much you learn about yourself and what you deserve when you’re alone.

Tell me how you feel, when was the last time you got your heart broken? How did you handle it? Where are you now?

Let me know in the comments below, and be sure to share with friends! Remember to follow SONIC ECLECTIC on Facebook and YouTube for updates!

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