The dreaded way-too-serious “I” word: Intimacy.

The word “intimacy” makes relationships scary. It just has a weight to it that makes things somehow too real. Now plug “issues” next to it, and you’ve got one frightening equation.

Intimacy is any form of closeness. People use it in exchange for behaviors with sexual motives, but I wouldn’t limit it to just sex acts. When someone has a fear of intimacy, it means they’re afraid of being either emotionally or physically close to someone else, sometimes both.

What do we think can cause a feeling like this? Often we look at past relationships, whether romantic, nurturing, or platonic; and examine how others have treated us before to make sense of our relationships with others now. Regardless of what we believe to cause this problem, issues in bonding with others manifests itself in different ways, and its tendency is subconscious.

Often, it’s when things are going well that intimacy issues decide to rear their ugly head. You’re talking to someone new, and you’re excited. “This person is being so sweet to me!” You think. “A little too sweet…”

Once this thought takes root, you begin to rifle through the bad-scenarios-drawer in your head of all the possible ways that this seemingly good thing can go wrong.

Contrary to what we said earlier, these feelings happen not because of outside forces, but ultimately because of our negative attitude towards ourselves. We do not think we can be loved because we do not look at ourselves and see love, and we refuse to believe that someone can admire us because we have no admiration for ourselves. “They think I’m smart, but I don’t think I’m smart, so they must be lying.” We begin to self-sabotage; we pick, and we prod, and we light ourselves on fire because that’s the only debris we can find to burn.

This thought process can often lead to withholding affection, reacting indifferently or resentfully to positive acknowledgement or affection, becoming paranoid or suspicious of a partner, losing interest in sexuality, being overly critical of a partner, or feeling resistant to being vulnerable.

I think this is an important definition in the dating dictionary because some people don’t even realize they have these intimacy issues. If you don’t let yourself be loved, you’re more likely to think that you don’t deserve to be; and it’s a cruel cycle that benefits no one.

The only way to conquer a fear of intimacy is fighting against what your fear makes you want to do. Consider immersion therapies; they’re designed to put you in direct contact with your phobias so they no longer have power over you. That tactic doesn’t work in every situation, but as for problems with intimacy, you must challenge the negative outlook you have of yourself and stop pushing people away. It’s been said that Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. If you expect to get over your issues with intimacy by continuing to treat everyone who walks into your life like a doormat and beating yourself up over it, you might want to observe how you can alter this behavior.

Understanding that you’re doing something wrong is not enough to help you, in any situation. To improve, criticism is important, but the change based on what you learned from your past mistakes is what matters.

Obviously, with anything and especially with wellness, take this journey one day at a time. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it was built. Undoing all the pain of your own inner criticisms and rebuilding a better version of yourself isn’t going to be an overnight process, but it’s something you can to work at everyday, and it doesn’t matter how little or how much. Remember, it does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop.

What are you thinking? Do you feel like you have intimacy issues after reading this article? Do you know someone who definitely has them? How do you deal?

Let me know in the comments below, and be sure to share with friends! Remember to follow Sonic Eclectic on Facebook and YouTube for updates, and don’t forget to subscribe to The Femme Spot on Twitter and our Facebook page.

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Sometimes people hurt you in so many little ways that you don’t remember what it felt like to be unbothered. It can be a lack of validation or attention, a lessening in personal consideration for the other person, disrespect, not being the same person you were when you met them, them not being the person you thought you needed, the list goes on. All these things are forms of heartbreak. When you’ve finally found yourself at your wit’s end, you call it quits.

What do you do with your time now?

Some people mourn very grimly and very publicly, shedding tears and their reservations about showing emotion in front of others. Other people seem to move on immediately. They take action now and ask the emotional questions later. We all grieve differently.

It sounds dramatic but honestly I feel that it is. Losing someone who knows a ton about you, who voluntarily pledged to always take care of you, that’s some serious stuff. The one thing you knew for sure about became the question at the forefront of your every day existential crisis, that’s heartbreak, and it shouldn’t be taken lightly.

Is it always going to be that way? Absolutely not; but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck if and when it happens to you.

Maybe I’m just speaking from experience, but it hurts because you carry it around. What’s worse is you can’t really explain it to anyone; at most people can sympathize, but they don’t really know for sure because everyone feels things differently.

The only way to improve is to start picking up things that you enjoy, things you always wanted to do that your past-partner might not have let you do, or something crazy and outside of your comfort zone that you were secretly always wanting to try. My personal favorite is the break-up piercing: piercings require care and attention, much like a relationship, and they make you look super edgy.

You might hurt from time to time, but there’s a reason for those feelings and you need to explore them. Running away from your emotions is a sure-fire way on how to find yourself at a dead-end with them, sometimes in the least-healthy way. Also, in this exploration, you realize all the things you weren’t so happy with during your relationship, and how you’ll use those instances to better yourself and what you’ll never put up with again. You realize that not only were there bad times, and you’re glad to have survived them, but there were also good times, and you should be glad you got to experience them. Memories don’t lose value just because you’re now estranged from those who are in them.

When thinking wellness and relationships, the only thing that really comes to mind is that they’re learning experiences. I know people learn so much while they’re in relationships, but don’t forget how much you learn about yourself and what you deserve when you’re alone.

Tell me how you feel, when was the last time you got your heart broken? How did you handle it? Where are you now?

Let me know in the comments below, and be sure to share with friends! Remember to follow SONIC ECLECTIC on Facebook and YouTube for updates!

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If you’ve dated, more likely than not, you’ve been dumped, or have dumped someone.

(For all of you love birds who have been together since the first day you laid eyes on each other and have been inseparable since, this article is not for you. However, as a courtesy, please forward this link to your friends who haven’t been in relationships for awhile. Thank you.)

As the saying goes, breaking up is hard to do. Depending on the reason as well as the current standing of your relationship, it only gets more difficult. There are different varieties, such as The (very rare) Amicable Break-Up, where you just universally stop wanting to entertain a relationship one another, or the It’s Not You, It’s Me, which usually means it’s something they don’t like about you anymore. There’s also the volatile Emotion-Fueled Break-Up, starter pack including a deceit, distrust, and/or a solid object of which someone threw at the other’s head as they set all of their belongings on the front lawn. Home-wrecker sold separately.

The by far worst break up, though, is the one you don’t expect, because you aren’t even really dating. Singling-Mingling-You starts out really excited to start seeing someone, but after you hang out once, they start dodging your calls, texts, or you altogether. You feel like crap, not only because you really thought you could be with them, but also that you don’t even know if you were exclusive to each other. Doubt sits on your shoulder, whispering, “what if they were seeing you and four other people and they liked you the least?” (This is what I like to call The Weakest Link effect.)

Dating nowadays can be rough, because you have to swim in multiple pools. That whole “there’s more fish in the sea” analogy? Yeah, there are more fish, but, you gotta catch a couple and weed out the one you want by process of elimination. What if you thought you were ready to commit to this fish, and it turned out to be poisonous? You can’t just go one by one by one when you’re out in the dating pool, because truthfully there’s too many heads to comb through. Also, more likely than not, you’re not sure what you’re looking for, but with budding technologies and a variety of people with different expectations, you end up finding all the things you could care less about.

I swore to thirteen-year-old self that if I ever broke up with someone, I would never get back together with them. Now, no one is perfect, and of course I’ve aimed to get back into the gathered graces of my exes with a little fooling around along the way, but I can proudly say I’ve never said had those “getting-back-together” plans follow through, whether it be the universe or myself to thank.

Now, being past recalling being dumped or doing dumping before, I can admit those experiences have made me a better person. Getting dumped doesn’t always mean the end of the world. As cheesy as it sounds, you get to date yourself by putting your needs before anyone else’s. You get to ask yourself the questions other’s may not have thought to, like what you truly want; what do you want to be, what do you want to do, what do you want to improve? The possibilities are endless. You are free to try new things, be as much of yourself as you can muster, and you don’t have to worry about anyone holding a microscope to your actions they might not like.

The transition to a party-of-one from a tandem-twosome can be less-than-stellar, but for a lot of people I know including myself, the best thing that could have happened to them is being dumped by someone who they realized later was toxic to their well-being. After you get dumped, you realize how truthfully awful that person was. Sometimes you realize, “I was the best part of them, and they chose to let me go.” Other times, you come to the realization that you can now do that thing you always wanted to do but never had the opportunity to when you were in that relationship, like dyeing your hair green or taking up fencing. Being dumped can be rewarding if you just remember to pick yourself up out of your own sadness. For those of us who are in love with our own griping and moaning, a good friend and an activity you enjoy can do a world of good on a damaged heart.

Also, a great way to get over a break up is to take up another activity, such as the timeless solution of exercising. There is no better revenge than being happy, healthy, sexy and successful. As a spite-driven individual, I aim to better myself on all levels just so they can peep my graceful ascension into greatness via social networking and suck it. Regardless of your motivation, remember that you can always improve yourself, and getting dumped might just be the kick you needed.

How do you feel about being dumped? Would you rather be dumped or put the final nail in the coffin yourself? What’s the worst break up you went through, where are you now, and how did you handle it? Let us know in the comments!

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In this day and age, a recent phenomenon has emerged, called “cuffing season.” During this “cuffing season,” within the months leading up to winter, you’re on a quest to find a “BAE” (Before Anyone Else). People make hilarious memes about draft picks, when the window closes to choose, etc. Everyone needs someone to cuddle with on those cold days, right? Oddly enough, people take this thing seriously. If you don’t have a significant other during wintertime, you can’t help but feel like the odd one out. But as soon as that warm weather comes around, most couple bonds fizzle out like they never even existed in the first place; which if you ask me, they shouldn’t have.

Why date just to date? I think it’s because Millenials need to be continuously stimulated. By conversation, by music, by Instagram-filter clad photos of food and exotic locations, the list goes on. Also, relationships, when done correctly, can just be fun. Sharing the holidays with someone never loses its novelty, so I don’t blame other people for wanting that. I don’t personally engage in this type of thing just because I find it impersonal. Not to assume a status above anyone, I just never meet people who I find interesting enough to continuously spend time with and consider to be more than just friends. Also, I feel like a lot of people choose to fill up their time by being in a relationship instead of working on themselves, which is not my idea of fun. If I’m constantly growing, I expect you to be too. I usually only find people who grow together are couples who have been together for like 4-5 years.

I just wonder, how do you find the potential in another person to grow together? Does that blossom out of cuffing season? (How do you even enter the draft? I feel like I’m stuck playing college ball forever.) How much of them do you keep and how much of them are you willing to change? If its too much, do you let go? I have way too many questions, and I know that I should experience it in hopes of answering them all, but in complete honesty, I’m scared. Scared of breaking someone’s heart, scared of someone breaking mine, scared of being in a dead-end relationship, scared of having more options but missing them.

Ultimately, I have a lot of respect for those who engage because I choose to sit on the sidelines. I choose to watch more than interact, and try to figure out the game before I play for fear of messing up. I see those people who jump in and out of relationships faster than you could say the words cuffing season, and it mystifies me.

I remember this guy on the outskirts of my friend group really liked me, and I could just tell from the first time meeting him. He was enchanted by me, he couldn’t take his eyes off me. We had a good conversation but I can tell I was the one leading. He never argued with me, something I absolutely detest because if you don’t have your own thoughts, we won’t work. One of my close friends who knew him said I should give the guy a chance but I didn’t want to because I knew his type. He seems like someone who would never go anywhere, because isn’t really making strides to go anywhere now. Plus, he isn’t really my type, but that information is negligible.

When I explained all these reasons why I didn’t want to give this guy a chance, my close friend asked if I dated around. Absolutely not. Dating is an investment, just like my apparel, or my education. If I were to date that guy, that would give a message to other people, specifically other guys, that I enjoy spending time with people who have no ambition. Being an ambitious young woman, I refuse to market myself that way. By all means, it’s very nice that he liked me, for all the reasons that I was what he aimed to be, but I’m not going to date someone because they like me. A lot of people like me, I get approached very often to go out on dates and I continuously refuse because I either don’t know that person, or I don’t want to be intimately attached to an individual that I know relatively well. I’m in no position to teach someone how to be driven, or how to be like me. I get a lot of my spirit from my parents, so I highly doubt you could really teach a person that behavior. I am nobody’s mother, so I’m not going to teach you how you should be living your own life.

I don’t think cuffing season contestants look at relationships like that, so that’s probably why they continue to play the game. Must be nice, ignorance and it’s bliss.

Tell me what you think: am I high strung? Is this rational?
How do you feel about cuffing season, waste of time or time of your life?

Let us know in the comments below, and be sure to share with friends! Remember to follow SONIC ECLECTIC on Facebook for updates!

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