The dreaded way-too-serious “I” word: Intimacy.

The word “intimacy” makes relationships scary. It just has a weight to it that makes things somehow too real. Now plug “issues” next to it, and you’ve got one frightening equation.

Intimacy is any form of closeness. People use it in exchange for behaviors with sexual motives, but I wouldn’t limit it to just sex acts. When someone has a fear of intimacy, it means they’re afraid of being either emotionally or physically close to someone else, sometimes both.

What do we think can cause a feeling like this? Often we look at past relationships, whether romantic, nurturing, or platonic; and examine how others have treated us before to make sense of our relationships with others now. Regardless of what we believe to cause this problem, issues in bonding with others manifests itself in different ways, and its tendency is subconscious.

Often, it’s when things are going well that intimacy issues decide to rear their ugly head. You’re talking to someone new, and you’re excited. “This person is being so sweet to me!” You think. “A little too sweet…”

Once this thought takes root, you begin to rifle through the bad-scenarios-drawer in your head of all the possible ways that this seemingly good thing can go wrong.

Contrary to what we said earlier, these feelings happen not because of outside forces, but ultimately because of our negative attitude towards ourselves. We do not think we can be loved because we do not look at ourselves and see love, and we refuse to believe that someone can admire us because we have no admiration for ourselves. “They think I’m smart, but I don’t think I’m smart, so they must be lying.” We begin to self-sabotage; we pick, and we prod, and we light ourselves on fire because that’s the only debris we can find to burn.

This thought process can often lead to withholding affection, reacting indifferently or resentfully to positive acknowledgement or affection, becoming paranoid or suspicious of a partner, losing interest in sexuality, being overly critical of a partner, or feeling resistant to being vulnerable.

I think this is an important definition in the dating dictionary because some people don’t even realize they have these intimacy issues. If you don’t let yourself be loved, you’re more likely to think that you don’t deserve to be; and it’s a cruel cycle that benefits no one.

The only way to conquer a fear of intimacy is fighting against what your fear makes you want to do. Consider immersion therapies; they’re designed to put you in direct contact with your phobias so they no longer have power over you. That tactic doesn’t work in every situation, but as for problems with intimacy, you must challenge the negative outlook you have of yourself and stop pushing people away. It’s been said that Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. If you expect to get over your issues with intimacy by continuing to treat everyone who walks into your life like a doormat and beating yourself up over it, you might want to observe how you can alter this behavior.

Understanding that you’re doing something wrong is not enough to help you, in any situation. To improve, criticism is important, but the change based on what you learned from your past mistakes is what matters.

Obviously, with anything and especially with wellness, take this journey one day at a time. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it was built. Undoing all the pain of your own inner criticisms and rebuilding a better version of yourself isn’t going to be an overnight process, but it’s something you can to work at everyday, and it doesn’t matter how little or how much. Remember, it does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop.

What are you thinking? Do you feel like you have intimacy issues after reading this article? Do you know someone who definitely has them? How do you deal?

Let me know in the comments below, and be sure to share with friends! Remember to follow Sonic Eclectic on Facebook and YouTube for updates, and don’t forget to subscribe to The Femme Spot on Twitter and our Facebook page.

You can catch me and The Ladies of Femme every Sunday morning at 11 by clicking on our LIVE tab, and in the five boroughs weekly, Wednesdays at 9:30 am & 5 pm on these channels TWC 34 | OPT 67 | RCN 42 | Fios 82 via Brooklyn Speech all of July starting this week!

The post Dating Dictionary: Intimacy Issues appeared first on .

We have the best kind (“Alana is my best friend because I wouldn’t function properly without her in my life.”), the kind that you only see in specific settings (“Melanie, my friend from camp/work/class.”), the kind you meet in crazy situations (“I met Andy at this party where neither of us knew the host. I don’t remember it all, but basically we drank an entire handle of the strongest liquor they had and stole their giraffe statue. We’ve been friends ever since.”), the list goes on. We have many friends for many different aspects of our lives, and not everyone is meant to stay, but they’re all meant to teach you something.

Friendship is an extremely important variable in dating. To be in a successful relationship, I feel as though you need to find a friendship in whoever you’re dating before anything. While friendships don’t always blossom before relationships do, I find that as long as both parties are working towards knowing and understanding one another fully, a companionship of epic proportions can be created. After all, arranged marriages, as archaic and borderline inhumane as they seem, have the possibility to grow into mature and healthy relationships because of the fact that two people learn to love and respect one another.

In learning to love, friendship plays a big part. Learning to love someone means that you acknowledge their faults and supplement them in the ways that you can. It means not trying to change someone, but complement them in a way to help them to be their best. It also means if ever necessary to draw a line and having the other person respect that. A large basis of friendship is respecting someone for who they are and letting them be that for you. As beautiful of a sentiment, it’s a hard thing to push out of your mind all the ways you desire to “fix” someone and just accepting them how they are. This is a feat I still have yet to master, and at this rate, I genuinely wonder if I ever will.

When talking about friendship and dating, we get into the unchartered, often dangerous, territory of a Friend with Benefits. Personally, I have no clue what this is supposed to mean, because wouldn’t that technically constitute as a significant other? “Benefits” infers sexual intimacy, but the “Friends” bit should connotate that respect and acceptance in a relationship between two people: a reliance upon that person for support, a willingness to share more than just your body with a person. If you do all those things with them, that sounds like a whole relationship to me without a title attached.

I don’t think many people see it that way, but they should. If you’re having multiple friends with benefits situations, it seems like a lot to juggle based on this loosely-defined phrase. Even one can seem like a ton of work if you talk to them consistently, spend regulated time with one another. Casual sex is so different from being friendly and involved with someone in the way a “Friends with Benefits” situation might suggest.

Often, when people tell me about their FWB situations, it seems more like a reoccurring one-night-stand. They’re detached from this person, in however which way: mentally, emotionally, socially; but the physicality of the act keeps them around. When it comes to me, I can’t just enjoy empty sex like that. I have to like the person that I’m choosing to give myself to, because if I don’t enjoy their company, I don’t see any point to engage. Meaningless sex has more often than not left me feeling dirty, used, and disappointed, simply because it’s just a movement without an emotional response.

It’s like exercise. You start because you’re aiming for a specific means to an end, whether it be for the hormone high to release in your brain or for the physical proof of your body developing. When you’re working towards a goal, you attribute your success to an emotional response: happiness in this example. Every time you get closer to your goal, your emotional resonance with that feeling gets stronger. If you went to the gym and saw no results, felt no different and saw no interaction between your goal and your work, you’d probably stop going. The same premise lies in a relationship lacking an emotional connection. If you don’t really get anything out of it but a good lay, if even that, doesn’t that get boring eventually? How does something like that truthfully enrich your life?

With this question in mind, Friends with Benefits situations end one of two ways. Either you start dating, or you don’t because one of you caught feelings and the other is completely fine with the physical. I always find that part so uncomfortable, because it’s just sad. Someone is willing to say, “let’s do this,” and the other person has to turn them down because they just don’t feel the same. And even if two people give a shot at a relationship, eventually one person could realize it wasn’t what they wanted and they would have to let the other person down, if it even ends that amicably. It’s a very sad situation that comes from a hollow foundation to begin with.

What do you think, have you been in Friends with Benefits situations? Do you care for them? Do they work for you?

Let us know in the comments below, and be sure to share with friends! Remember to follow SONIC ECLECTIC on Facebook and YouTube for updates!

The post Dating Dictionary: Friends & Benefits appeared first on .

From my research, I get my information from common folks that speak candidly about their sex lives and I found that a lot of people are having sex with other people besides their partner. The reasons range from:

• Not being sexually satisfied at home
• Want something different
• Lack of sex at home
• No longer attracted to their partner
• Love Sex

My opinion is developed from personal experience an information I collected and my conclusion is… It’s up to the individual to decide what they want from a relationship and part of that is knowing who you are, understanding the value a relationship and communicating effectively. Not every person is built for a monogamous relationship with you. For example, you met someone you two are attracted to each other, the sex is outstanding but your morals & values are not in sync… This will only be a sexual relationship and that’s perfectly fine. See! you have to look at the relationship as a whole, make a conscience decision which will save you from unnecessary heartache. However, monogamy is suppose, if an only if, you are honest with yourself and your partner.

The post Is Monogamy Real? appeared first on .